sad day

10Jul09

I don’t have many sad days, but today was a sad day. I’m going to write about it to self medicate.

So I couldn’t sleep last night because I was experiencing anxiety knowing that I had a really long day today, and I had a bunch of final assignments to turn in on my last day of class. I ended up falling asleep between 2-3am last night, and I woke up at 6am and I couldn’t fall back asleep.

I spent a couple hours finishing all my classwork, then I loaded up my car to go to NoVA, and went to class. Turned everything in, and came back to pick up Mike and drove to my home in Catharpin to drop off a bunch of stuff including Ren & Stimpy, and loaded up all my bass gear, went to Centreville to drop off Mike, then drove as fast as I could to Seoul Presbyterian Church in rush hour traffic. A exhausting 3 hours on the road falling asleep half the time. During these 3 hours, I also realized that I had lost my phone. blah.

Rushed through practice with the guys for 2Gather since we were running late, and actually my new bass sounded pretty good through my new amp. I got to see some friends too, but thats where the fun ended.

The whole night, I remember just sitting in my chair during the message and during prayer time, and I just wanted to go home. I know I was tired, but that wasn’t it. I was zoned out during the message, with very little desire to engage and listen. During prayer time, people were responding to invitations by going to the front where they were prayed over by prayer counselors and pastors. I was surrounded by passionate prayers being yelled by dudes with much zeal, and I watched pairs of people sharing and praying. Closing worship was just led by Joon on guitar, no drums/electric/me so I attempted to worship on my own in the back. I stood up and tried to worship, but I decided that I won’t sing karaoke in His sanctuary, so I sat back down.

I quietly sat in my chair, just thinking “what in the world is wrong with me?” “Am I doing something wrong?” Then I started wondering if I did anything to offend God, even though I know grace doesn’t work like that. I don’t remember the last time I felt so dry and disengaged at any worship service. It has to have been at least a couple years. The night for me was drier than overcooked chicken breast from the day before. In the final minutes of the prayer time, I wanted so badly to petition and to hear from God, but all I could do was think about how confused and discouraged I was.

Totally bummed out, I packed up my stuff and felt like just going home to sleep, even though people wanted to go out to eat. I ended up grabbing a quick bite at Mcdonalds with a younger friend back from high school who insisted on buying me. The entire drive home, I just kept thinking about the night and how odd it was. When I was only 10 minutes from home, I was deep in thought when I noticed flashing blue and red lights in my rear view mirror.

“Great, this is literally my 11th time being pulled over,” I thought. I already have 5 tickets on my record, (only 1 was speeding), and I wasn’t exactly thrilled to swallow a 6th. According to Officer Wildman, K. L., I was going 52 in a 35 zone, though I thought it was 45. He told me the speed limit increased further up the road, and ended up writing me up for “failure to obey highway sign” instead of speeding (I think it was my desperate prayer for mercy while he was in his vehicle). Just exhausted, tired, and bummed out, I quietly said “thank you” as he handed me my license, registration, and ticket, and turned my car back on. After I pulled back on the road and rounded the corner, I noticed a speed limit posted at 50mph. Sweet.

I got home and complained to Joanne and Nathan about my crummy day, and I started looking over my ticket. Thank the Lord for comic relief. The fool thought I was white!

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