women & burgers

19Aug09

This entry is dedicated to Jimmy Won, who told me my blog brought him joy. Tonight, he brought me joy by visiting from Philly and buying me Oegadgib, a wonderful Korean meat buffet/extravaganza.

During my car ride home tonight after Oedgadgib, I realized that I like my women like my burgers.

1. Quality
It’s about the quality of the beef, and the quality of the ingredients.  Kobe or Wagyu beef takes time and effort to produce, but the end result is the truth.

2. Taste/Flavor
Like any burger connoisseur, the burger must have great taste and a distinct flavor, but I’m not picky. I like barbecue/bacon burgers, guacamole/poblano burgers, teriyaki/pineapple burgers. I like quiet girls, outgoing girls, weird girls.

3. Size
Yesterday I was at Fuddruckers with Phil and Sam. I went with the 2/3lb burger over the 1/2lb burger.  I don’t want my girlfriend to look like a Mcdonalds breakfast sausage, I want a good sized burger. Then again, I’m down with double cheeseburgers also, so small girls are cool too.

4. Color
I know many FOBs desire a woman who looks white as snow, perhaps to remind them of the cleansing power of Christ’s blood. On the contrary, I like a gal who is golden brown. Not one who rocks the fake and bake, which is probably something Jezebel would do, but one who is tan… from hours of gleaning my field.

5. Toppings
A great burger doesn’t necessarily need toppings,  but a great burger with toppings only adds to the flavor profile. For instance, I love sauteed onions, mushrooms, and bacon. I also love a girl who can sing, cook, or play music.

6. Presentation
There’s a difference between presentation, and mere looks. Many foods can look disgusting, but in actuality, be amazing. Pardon my aside, but for example, a girl can look like jja jjang myun, basically noodles in diarrhea, or soondae, the droppings of a healthy, regular adult. However, sprinkle some crisp cucumber over the jja jjang myun, and you’ve got my attention.

7. Aroma
Before my meal during prayer, I’ll often bend my head over closer to the food to entice me and tease me for those 15 seconds or so. Its nice when a girl smells nice.  Its not nice when she smells like fish sauce. Example: aroma of roasted garlic in my burger, vs. the odor of bleu cheese, which smells like satan.

8. Cheese
I’m not crazy about bleu cheese, but I really enjoy most other cheeses. I love muenster, mozzarella, cheddar, swiss, provolone, gruyere, and even parmesan. A girl that can “cheese” with a beautiful smile can make my heart melt. Mmm…melted cheese.

9. Essentials
All burgers must be seasoned with salt and pepper, two essential ingredients. My partner must know, and love Christ.

10. Messiness
I don’t mind my burgers messy, and I actually prefer them that way. If nothing is falling out of the burger as I’m enjoying it, then something is wrong, and the burger is probably lacking in one way or another. I’m not expecting a perfect girl. If some bacon falls out of my burger, I’ll pick it up and enjoy it anyway. If she can’t keep it together all the time, that’s okay… I understand gravity.

11. Heat
I like my burgers with some heat. I’ll use Sriracha, Tobasco, Texas Pete, Cholula, Jalepenos, or whatever is available. I like a girl who can get fired up about something. In this day and age where it’s so hard to find passionate people, there is nothing hotter than a girl who lives with purpose and drive. I don’t care if she’s passionate about social justice, or music, or cooking. Please, annnyyythingggg.

12. Nice buns
hehehe

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