I’m so macho…

I exfoliate my face with a cheese grater;

I brush my teeth with a grill brush;

I clip my nails with a can opener;

I wipe my butt with sandpaper;

I moisturize my hands with lard;

I use blood to paint my nails;

I make origami out of sheet metal;

I use deer piss for cologne;

I gargle battery acid for mouthwash;

I use super glue as eye drops;

I use gunpowder as black pepper;

I eat the pits of avocados and peaches;

I use snake venom as hot sauce;

I dry my hair with a leaf blower;

I cut my hair with a chain saw;

I pay my bills with scalps;

I treat my gas pedal as an on-off switch;

I take my baths in lava;

I pick my teeth with poisonous darts;

I eat my cereal with non pasteurized milk;

I put my vitamins in my butt;

I poop out king cobras;

I pee out gasoline;

I fart out tear gas;

I have grenades for kidney stones;

I drink engine oil for coffee;

and I brake with my third leg.

It’s been a really long time since I’ve really written in here. Sometimes I feel like I have no inspiration to write anything worth sharing. I’ve had lots of heavier and deeper thoughts lately, but quite frankly most people don’t care to read them. Heck, whenever I mention “Jesus” in a blog, my daily page hits drop by something like 200%. Anyways, for tonight I’ll keep it light because I love you.

So, how about some updates of things that are the same?

1. My eye prescription
It hasn’t changed in over a year. I guess now I qualify for Lasik or something. My metal framed glasses are so outdated and out of style now. To be honest, I’m too embarrassed to wear them in public now. Plus, they’re really scratched up so it looks like my room is snowing.

2. My shoe size
They’re 10.5 but 11 in some shoes, since my feet are wider than Alex Guarnaschelli’s butt. Okay, I typically don’t joke about women and their physical appearance, but honestly I used to think that she was really (really) attractive in some weird way. I ended up looking her up on Google to see how legit she is as a chef since she’s so critical as a judge, but lets just say I learned a new metaphor. I’ve heard of female body types being compared to a Coke bottle, or an hour glass. Here’s a new one, how about an iceburg? (okay I feel terrible. I might delete this tomorrow. )

3. status
I’m still single, and I thought I was ready to mingle, but I guess not if they’re too pretty. I remember writing in here long ago that I’m still shy around pretty girls. Case in point: There was this cute girl in the culture show that I was too shy to introduce myself to at any point during the whole week . During one of our rehearsals, she fell out of her chair and she looked so embarrassed, but I thought it was the cutest thing. Poor girl, poor Joash. E-harmony is looking good right about now.

4. burger love
I have a friend from GW who fasted potatoes during Lent, because he loved anything made of potatoes, and had to eat potatoes every day. God’s been doing a lot of awesome things in my life, and in response I wanted to enter a season of prayer and spiritual discipline. I was thinking of ways in which I could fast, and for a brief moment I asked myself if I’m willing to fast red meat for 40 days. I trashed that thought as quickly as it entered my mind. That’s like asking a JMU girl to give up Uggs and leggings for 40 days this winter.

5. wiping technique

I guess I hurt my right wrist this weekend at the football tournament, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until I tried to wipe my butt this morning, and I whimpered “oww” like Charlie just bit my finger.  I thought of different ways to wipe, like using my left hand or maybe crumpling the TP like some gross, sick, savage people I know, but I just bit into a nearby towel and finished wiping. It felt like I was giving birth through my wrist.

That’s it for tonight. Some things always stay the same, like my grandmother’s hair style, or my dad’s morning breath, but there are lots of changes in my life too. Maybe I’ll blog about it sooner than later.

Spent another afternoon inhaling more toxic fumes and figuring out an electrical puzzle in the form of an active preamp in my Sadowsky UV70 5 string. Had to install a retrofit vintage tone control kit into the existing preamp. Passive instruments are cake, but this Sadowsky has like 50 wires, push/pull pots, blend pots, and lots of tiny pieces. It was pretty tough with my bratwurst fingers, but it was a ton of fun, and it sounds amazing.

I’m gonna spend the next couple hours with wire cutters, Canare GS-6 cable, right angle and straight G&H nickel connectors,  some rosin core solder, and a soldering iron, so I can wire up my bass amp.

Two separate channels from the Genz Benz Shuttlemax 12.0 going into separate channels in the DBX 166xl compressor and Aphex 204 unit!

Hate homework, but I dig this stuff:

*edit*

Just finished. My eyes are kinda burning and my lungs kinda hurt.

During the last block of my practicum session today, I was sitting in the back of the classroom as usual, reading through some text in order to prepare for next week’s lesson. For the most part, my earlier AP classes are filled with attentive, bright, well behaved juniors. This last class is just a regular US history class. Regular in its academic achievement level, but also in the sense that its normal. Normal as in what you’d expect out of a typical high school classroom.

It’s a healthy mix of the following:  some loud boys, some loud girls; some quiet boys, some quiet girls; some skinny boys, some skinny girls; some fat boys, some curvier-than-most girls; some cute boys, some cute girls, some ugly boys, some not-so-cute girls. Many are awkward, many are weird. You get the picture.

So towards the end of the period, the teacher had the kids volunteer to read through portions of their text. The chapter was on the Monroe Doctrine. [The Monroe Doctrine of 1823 was basically a rude letter to Britain to leave the US alone, or else they gonna get a hurt real bad. This came after the US beat up the British in the War of 1812.]

Anyways, one after another, students volunteered to read a few paragraphs of text out loud to the class while the rest followed along in their books. At one point, this one kid volunteered to read. He’s about 6′2”, 260lbs, but he gets picked on by most of the class. It’s probably because he slurs his words, and he doesn’t seem like the sharpest pencil in the drawer. Maybe he smells, I dunno.

As he started to read slowly, I could hear kids chuckling and snickering in the background. He had to stop on words like “imminent” and “argument”, and with every pause, 2 or 3 students would say the word out loud for him. At first I took note of what I thought was thoughtfulness, but soon half of the class was giggling while other students began to practically read for him. As soon as he paused, another boy would say “and then Monroe…”, and another girl would yell out “he” right before he got to the word.

It got pretty bad, and he continued this for another paragraph. I’m glad the teacher gave this volunteer the opportunity to take a chance and read in front of the class that already made fun of him for just being him. Man, these kids were merciless! I was waiting for the teacher to stop the slaughter but no. I realized what the teacher was doing. He had to respect the will and the bravery of this student.

Finally, the student stopped after the second paragraph and surrendered by saying to the teacher “I’d like to stop here.” The teacher lovingly said “thanks for volunteering to read”, and finished the rest of the page for him.

I don’t know why, but I was so moved by what just happened. This kid knew he sucked at reading, but yet he volunteered to read in front of people he knew was going to make his learning exceptionality a hilarity. He made an intentional decision to make himself uncomfortable.

You don’t find that kind of bravery anywhere these days, especially not from Christians, and especially not from me. I don’t remember the last time I saw a window of vulnerability, an opportunity for embarrassment, and ran towards it. I want to challenge myself to be aware of my insecurities and fears and walk through them instead of closing my eyes and ignoring the danger around me. I want to know when to put up, and when to give up. There is something honorable about surrender, and it is so precious when it is done with humility and perspective.

Anyways…I like that kid. I don’t even know his name, so  I think I’m going to call him Braveheart.

So a few weeks ago, as a way to really act out the vision behind our name, we decided to “face the lion” (1 Peter 5:8) by supporting this ministry called the Pink Cross. This organization is led by Shelley Lubben, a former actress and prostitute who, now freed by Christ, is taking an army of believers straight back into the enemy that once ruined her life.

Pretty much, the Pink Cross wants to bring Jesus into the lives of the people involved in the pornography industry. This includes actresses, producers, and even those who finance the abuse and the spread of all the physical, emotional, and mental disease in the industry. No, I”m not talking about corporate investors, I’m talking about people like you and me.

This weekend, they’ll be at the New York City porn convention and here are some of their prayer requests. Please, lift them up.

Dearest Prayer Peeps,

We’re here! Well, 4 of us are here. 2 more are arriving tomorrow morn and 1 more on Sat.

Here are some preliminary covering pleas:

• We are planning on doing some OUTRAGEOUS pull-out-all-the-stops stuff this weekend. Pray God shields us from getting kicked out so we can minister the whole time the convention is going on.

• Pray for extreme wisdom, boldness, physical safety, and love to rush over us, through us, and out of us.

• Pray we’re all rested well and that we’re sharp while we’re on the convention floor and everywhere else – we’re staying in the same hotel as most of the “talent”, pornographers, exibitors, etc. There are plenty of people who hate us, especially with all the political speaking out we’ve been doing. We need to be on our toes!

• Pray a BIG HONKING SHIELD over my eyes, thoughts, memories, etc. Like it or not, as an unmarried woman, going into this mission field (read: battleground) can have its subtle influences. Pray I’d continue to see this trash for exactly what it is now and after the convention is over – a lie from the very pit of hell.

• Pray we’d seriously hear the Holy Spirit and know when and how to do what he wants.

• Pray for crazy miracles. Seriously. I want to see people on their knees in repentance, prophecies spoken out, deliverance from demons, and healing from physical symptoms of STDs on the SPOT.

• Pray the unity of our FAITH would rise up like a VICTORY MARCH!

Thank you and AMEN!
Heather, coming to you live from NY!

And honestly guys, as you pray for the Pink Cross this week, be on guard. Ever since the band and I committed to supporting this ministry two weeks ago, Satan’s really been taunting and tempting me in order to make me feel guilty and powerless. BUT, remember Ephesians 6! Rock that Armor!

What time is it?

GAME TIME!

Some of you may recall an old incident involving another pair of my boxers and the hilarious game called Basketball. In case you don’t remember, here is the entry.

Well, I should have learned my lesson. This was another pair of Banana Republic boxers. Fit great, feel great, but they don’t maintain their integrity during extreme body movements.

So far, two pairs to volleyball, a pair to basketball, and today football. I need to wear underwear that can keep up with me.

These had cool biplanes on them too. booo

The problem with guys: we think too much of ourselves, but we try to hide it.

The problem with girls: they think too little of themselves, but they try to hide it.

Solution: the Wedding of Ephesians 5:25